Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in cinderella712's LiveJournal:

Monday, September 19th, 2005
3:34 pm	food diary coffee w/french vanilla cream and a little sugar--no more than 50-100 calories--75 cal. Oatmeal w/skim milk -- 220 cal. flipz -- 260 cal. overestimation yoplait light yogurt -- 100 cal Propel water -- 30 cal. exercise/elliptical-- 43 min., 4 miles, 430 calories burned 5:30 pm: total intake: 650-700 calories total output: 430 calories + BMI of about 1400 calories. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
9:36 am	binging I cannot stop eating..I just cannot stop. I'm fine when I don't start eating during the day or didn't eat a lot the day before..but it's difficult when my boyfriend makes me eat when I am with him..and then I can't stop eating. Today it's snickers. He left me snickers here and they taste sooooo damn good when I know I shouldn't eat them. But then I just feel so disgusted with myself. But it's like I have no control over myself when I eat. I just can't stop. I don't know what to do. I just want to lose weight so badly but I just feel like I can't. I don't know how to believe that I can when I just keep giving in to food. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
10:24 am	Today is a good day. The sun is shining and the flowers are blooming and I'm trying to not think of food. Yesterday was kind of a bad day eating-wise. I went over to my boyfriend's house and of course I had to eat in front of him. And he made a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies and he had never baked before so I had to eat a cookie and drink his 2% fat milk which I hate. And then he made me 2 whole pieces of toast with jelly because he says he wants me to have more energy..and then his mom made us dinner with dessert..we had pita bread and hummus, lentils and rice, and baclava with ice cream. What a day. It was all delicious but I wish I didn't have to eat. My poor Max (boyfriend)..he got so upset last night..he kept trying to put his hand on my stomach and I kept pushing it away..and he tried to talk to me and tell my I'm beautiful and I don't need to be self conscious..and he actually started to cry. I felt so bad. I love him so much..and I don't want to hurt him. He knows I try not to eat and that I hate the way I look. He said he wishes I could see myself the way he does and he wishes I would just love myself. but it's not that easy. I just keep thinking that once I lose at least 10 pounds I'll be happy with myself..but deep down I know that's not true. Right now I'm not even sure I can lose 10 pounds and even if I do, I know that I will just want to keep losing and keep losing..Today I've eaten one yoplait light yogurt with a special K bar-kind of like my own cheap parait =) for a grand total of 190 calories. Can I stop myself from eating more than that today? Not sure..But I will not consume more than 500 today. Plus, I'm going dancing tonight and I'm going to go for a walk soon too, plus I work (at a hospital) so I should be getting my burn on today! hehe yeah i'm a dork..well here's hoping today goes well enough so I don't feel gross later on.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
10:22 pm	phew today was a far better day than yesterday. I ate a yoplait light yogurt with a special k bar this morning (190 calories), hershey kisses--i would die without a little chocolate (200 calories at most)-i like to round up to allow for a margin of error =) and then i caved tonight and had some leftover mashed potatoes i'm guessing are no more than 300 calories. So with rounding and everything I'd say I had about 700 calories today which is a lot but it's really really good for me. Tomorrow I'm going to my boyfriend's house and having dinner so I will have to eat what they give me to be polite and all..so I will not eat for the entire day prior and then I will not eat friday and the weekend might be ok to do a short fast. I am feeling much better than yesterday..i feel cleansed. yesterday when i binged i felt so out of control and just..dirty with food. i hate that feeling. i feel good now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
10:32 pm	ugh Why can't I get myself under control??? At the end of each day I just binge and I cannot stop eating whatever I can find no matter what..and I never just stop to think about what I am doing..Each day I start out thinking that this is a new day and I will really do it this time..but I just can't keep it under control..Even if i am not hungry, I can't stop thinking about food and then I think that I should be eating and I haven't eaten and i will make myself hungry and once I am hungry..ya know the really hungry when it hurts..I just can't help but give in. It's so hard to be strong when I love food sooooo soooo soooo much..but i want to be thin and beautiful and like the way i look and feel comfortable with myself. That is what I need to be convinced of..that losing this weight will make me far more happy than food will. But that is very hard to believe when I'm hungry and not seeing any results. And I have no time to exercise but I wonder if that would make a huge difference. I think what I will do for now is to just try to fast on gum and water for as long as I can and if I absolutely must eat, I can only have less than 600 calories at the very most. I have to remember to keep getting full off of water..I always forget to keep drinking..I think that will help. I never knew this would be so hard. And it sux because every second of every minute of every day, food and calories and losing weight is on my mind. There is never a time when it is not and I feel so trapped by it. I just need to break free. But it is such a struggle and I don't know how to get past it. My boyfriend, whom I am soo much in love with, constantly tells me I'm beautiful and he loves my body and all that..but I let my mind trick me into thinking he's lying and coming up with ways that he really doesn't like my body and likes other girls' bodies. Like the other day he said that he's been trying to make sure I eat and I asked him if I looked like I didn't eat, and he said of course..so that makes me think that he would like the way I looked if i didn't eat. He tells me i'm not fat but I am..it's not a matter of opinion, I am fat. So I think he lies to me to make me feel better. plus, it's incredibly hard to believe somebody would like the way I look when I have absolutely no idea why somebody could ever think that about me. Ok, I need to be strong if I can get what i want. nothing in life worth getting is ever easy and nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ok i can do this. oh god. even just thinking this makes me want to eat and it gives me this panicky feeling. is this normal? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
3:52 pm	ugh..progress has not been very good .. I haven't stepped on a scale in over three weeks because I'm afraid of what it will say. I just can't seem to stop eating and when I do, it's only for a day and then I eat again the next day. I wish I could be consistent and actually lose weight instead of maintaining or going up and down. well..it's hardly ever going down..sometimes i just get so depressed and disgusted with myself that i just cry and cry and wonder why me? out of all the beautiful skinny girls, why am i so fat and ugly? why can't i be the pretty one and just..normal? on some level i guess i just can't imagine losing weight or being thin so maybe that's why i just can't lose anything..mind over matter right? It's just so hard to not eat when I love food sooooo much and it's all over the place. I can't avoid food and I can't avoid my family or my boyfriend or my roommate telling me I need to go eat something..and I can't tell them no. I just feel so desperate and I wish i was strong enough to do this ..strong enough to be happy with myself. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
9:18 am	STATS h: 5'3'' hw: 155 lw: 140 cw: 145 wg: 135 ltwg:120 (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
5:31 pm	2 nutter butters 130 cal half sub w/lettuce, turkey, mayo, black olives.....350 cal? like...several saltines....300 cal later on we're having a log! i'm doing better..me and laura went on a long one hour walk in the sunshine so i feel better. (Comment on this)
1:34 pm	FOOD LOG Yogurt 100 cal Special K bar 90 cal 2 Nutter Butters 130 cal crystal light 5 cal diet coke 0 cal I hate the way i feel right now..i just wish my fat was gone and i could feel comfortable with the way I look. i hate that i compare myself to everybody else around me and i find myself just staring at other people's bodies. i wanna be ok with myself and like the way i look and feel good for once. i want to eat without feeling bad or disgusted and be able to look down at my legs and not feel like tearing myself apart. i wanna be able to sit down in a pair of jeans without my stomach bulging over the top and i want to be the pretty one for once. i want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be skinny. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)